So, you think you're going cross-country skiing? You don't know how to do that. They're going to know, at the gas station, when you go to get your ski pass, that you don't know how to ski. And even though you're going to one of the smaller trails, and this is the middle of nowhere, there will be fifty people at the trail head, and they will all stare at you. They found out that you were going to try to ski today. The gas station people radioed ahead. They will all be gathered at the trail head to laugh at you. They will know just by the way you put your boots on that you don't know what you're doing. You probably have the wrong boots anyway. And the wrong clothes. And skis, and poles, and face. They will all be impossibly thin and fit, that wispy-yet-strong professional dancer kind of fit that you wish you were. They will be outfitted in all the latest gear and they will all have flawless skin and perfect teeth, which will gleam at you as they point and laugh and whisper to each other about you. They will have agents stationed all around the trail. Every time you lose momentum and have to shuffle/stagger up a slope, someone will come zipping up from behind you and blithely sail over the hill past you. They'll probably even catch air they'll be going so fast. When you get your skis tangled trying to go around a turn and fall over, someone will jump out from the woods and sit on you and push your face into the snow and laugh. On every downhill, just as you're starting to feel like you're going a little bit too fast, someone will throw a stick out in front of you. Every 30 seconds, someone will ski by at a leisurely pace (but still faster than you) and give you an icy glare as if to say, "You, you
beginner. Dilettante. Plebeian. You disgust me." Oh, they will judge you. They will judge you mercilessly. They will judge you all the way around the trail and all the way back to town. They will radio back to the gas station people just what a moron you are. Then the gas station people will tell all their friends, and they will tell their friends, and everyone will judge you and hate you and turn your friends and family against you, and you'll have to go live at the laundromat.
But by all means, try skiing today. Have fun!
